Sometimes I decide so hard to pursue God fully… surrender everything fully to Him; try to make decisions that will serve only the purpose of His will. But then my heart gets broken… and I’m back at square one. I don’t know what to do anymore. God take this broken heart and make it yours, do with it only your will.
It’s easy to think the pursuit of your life… the thing you strive after most… is God’s doing. But I’ve discovered recently, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes we get ahead of God. Sometimes we step out of our bounds. Sometimes we are so wrapped up on ourselves that we aren’t paying attention to the fact that God is thousands of paces ahead of us, and we are sitting in a pothole pouting. It’s easy to write anything off as God. I have a bad attitude, but God made this way. I don’t like her, but God give me these feelings.
I don’t think so.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
You can cry, you can fight...
Please ignore the next few lines… cause they are directed at you.
I’ve started, erased, rewritten, erased, and started writing this over and over again. There are so many things I could write about… I could write about my current life confusions, there are many. Or, I could write about my recent God discoveries, there are plenty. Also, I could write about the hectic life I lead, at least it would be funny.
But none of those things seem fulfilling. In fact nothing about my life is fulfilling these days. I feel an overwhelming emptiness, and let me tell you it is not fun. I’m in this funk, and I just don’t know how to go about getting out of it. I know, I know… call on Jesus, I have. I’m just always waiting… and, waiting is no fun.
I’ve discovered recently that I’m a pretty impatient person… but not with people, and not with myself… but with God. I pretty much always think that God should be working on my time, and that anything else is just absurd. And…. I’m pretty sure God thinks that this philosophy is pretty funny, cause He just makes me wait more and more. But, I’m becoming okay with it. Living in the peace that God is taking care of me isn’t always easy… but it’s rewarding.
I’ve started, erased, rewritten, erased, and started writing this over and over again. There are so many things I could write about… I could write about my current life confusions, there are many. Or, I could write about my recent God discoveries, there are plenty. Also, I could write about the hectic life I lead, at least it would be funny.
But none of those things seem fulfilling. In fact nothing about my life is fulfilling these days. I feel an overwhelming emptiness, and let me tell you it is not fun. I’m in this funk, and I just don’t know how to go about getting out of it. I know, I know… call on Jesus, I have. I’m just always waiting… and, waiting is no fun.
I’ve discovered recently that I’m a pretty impatient person… but not with people, and not with myself… but with God. I pretty much always think that God should be working on my time, and that anything else is just absurd. And…. I’m pretty sure God thinks that this philosophy is pretty funny, cause He just makes me wait more and more. But, I’m becoming okay with it. Living in the peace that God is taking care of me isn’t always easy… but it’s rewarding.
Monday, July 28, 2008
From the Inside Out.
A thousand times I've failed
still your mercy remains
should I stumble again
still I'm caught in your grace
I've been learning recently, more like struggling recently with the idea and meaning behind God's mercy and grace. In church on Sunday, not this one but the one before that (possibly even the one before that, in fact I think it was), the preacher spoke about what God's mercy is and what God's grace is. And, when he spoke it hit me... and hard. I've grown up throwing these words around like it was no body's business, but I never knew truly what they meant... at least I didn't have the understanding I do now of what these words really mean. The Pastor talked about how the tow play so closely together, but yet are kind of like opposites. Mercy, he explained, is the act of removing what we do deserve. IE. We are human that equals sinful beings condemned to death (Romans 6:23a). However, Mercy is the fact that we aren't dying right now. Grace, as the man explained, is God giving us something we don't deserve. So, we are sinful that equals death, but through Christ Jesus we get the gift of eternal life (Romans 6:23b). Grace is that free gift, through sacrifice (not on our part), of eternal life.
I know that seems so, 'no duh.' But, I've never cared so much about it's significance.
I realized through this message that without these things, without Mercy and Grace in my life... I'd be done with. I realized that even when spiritually I'm at my worst, I put up a really good front and don't let on to the fact that my relationship with is at an all time low. I fail and fail, and then fail and fail all over again all the time. But still, I'm not burning in the pits of hell. And I fail and fail, and then fail and fail all over again - but yet, God is still immensely gracious with me. This message didn't know me on my knees while I was sitting there listening, in fact I remember sitting there - nodding my head in agreement - but really thinking to myself 'I wonder how much longer this man can ramble.' But recently, life has knocked me on my knees. And, I found myself praying... thanking God that even at my worst (even when I could really care less about His presence in my life) He has me wrapped up in His grace just waiting for me to notice.
Recently, in conversation with a truly hurting friend, I found myself in such a need to be broken. Who am I that I can preach to him Love and Grace and Mercy... but don't even rest in it on my own. I said to him that God couldn't fix his heart if it wasn't offered in brokeness (like how you can't fix a heart that isn't broken). but then I realized, that if you can't come to God broken (ready to be fixed) that God can't fix you. I mean sure, He has the ability... but it is like you always hear, God can't do it all... you have to meet Him halfway, or at least be willing to.
So this is where I see such an importance in God's mercy and grace. Mercifully, God lets you screw things up sometimes but yet does not smite you. Graciously, He offers you love and not death when you come running (broken).
still your mercy remains
should I stumble again
still I'm caught in your grace
I've been learning recently, more like struggling recently with the idea and meaning behind God's mercy and grace. In church on Sunday, not this one but the one before that (possibly even the one before that, in fact I think it was), the preacher spoke about what God's mercy is and what God's grace is. And, when he spoke it hit me... and hard. I've grown up throwing these words around like it was no body's business, but I never knew truly what they meant... at least I didn't have the understanding I do now of what these words really mean. The Pastor talked about how the tow play so closely together, but yet are kind of like opposites. Mercy, he explained, is the act of removing what we do deserve. IE. We are human that equals sinful beings condemned to death (Romans 6:23a). However, Mercy is the fact that we aren't dying right now. Grace, as the man explained, is God giving us something we don't deserve. So, we are sinful that equals death, but through Christ Jesus we get the gift of eternal life (Romans 6:23b). Grace is that free gift, through sacrifice (not on our part), of eternal life.
I know that seems so, 'no duh.' But, I've never cared so much about it's significance.
I realized through this message that without these things, without Mercy and Grace in my life... I'd be done with. I realized that even when spiritually I'm at my worst, I put up a really good front and don't let on to the fact that my relationship with is at an all time low. I fail and fail, and then fail and fail all over again all the time. But still, I'm not burning in the pits of hell. And I fail and fail, and then fail and fail all over again - but yet, God is still immensely gracious with me. This message didn't know me on my knees while I was sitting there listening, in fact I remember sitting there - nodding my head in agreement - but really thinking to myself 'I wonder how much longer this man can ramble.' But recently, life has knocked me on my knees. And, I found myself praying... thanking God that even at my worst (even when I could really care less about His presence in my life) He has me wrapped up in His grace just waiting for me to notice.
Recently, in conversation with a truly hurting friend, I found myself in such a need to be broken. Who am I that I can preach to him Love and Grace and Mercy... but don't even rest in it on my own. I said to him that God couldn't fix his heart if it wasn't offered in brokeness (like how you can't fix a heart that isn't broken). but then I realized, that if you can't come to God broken (ready to be fixed) that God can't fix you. I mean sure, He has the ability... but it is like you always hear, God can't do it all... you have to meet Him halfway, or at least be willing to.
So this is where I see such an importance in God's mercy and grace. Mercifully, God lets you screw things up sometimes but yet does not smite you. Graciously, He offers you love and not death when you come running (broken).
Friday, July 25, 2008
Don't Speak
"When Zeal overwhelms wisdom, tenderness, and humility, people run." - Greg Paul 'God in the Alley.'
I've been so consumed with my heart being in the right place. 'If only I can make them see Jesus through me, then I've served my purpose.' However, I feel it is very possible that I've lost track of what exactly my purpose is. God didn't send me to earth to scare away the lost and broken souls... he sent me here to reach out and love them. I am only a vessel in the interaction between God and creation. And, sometimes... I get so consumed with being Jesus, that I forget to see him. But, I've wholeheartedly decided that I believe that you can't have one without the other. So every time I walk up those stairs and smile at that tired broken girl, hold her baby, or drive her to run errands... I'm not just showing her love, but she is showing me something as well.
It is hard for my little brain to understand how God can use the faithless to reach the faithful... but I'm sure thankful He does.
My greatest life lessons have been learned through the interaction with "non-believers" or lesser "Christians." So, without them... without God using them... I wouldn't have the life wisdom and knowledge that I do. I wouldn't really be me then, now would I?
I'm fearful of these people I see rising up. Servants that have very specific goggles on with blinders on the sides... so the only thing they can see is their mission. That frightens me. They aren't see Jesus in the hidden beauties of life, they aren't experiencing all that God has called them to.
I no longer want to live in my naive ways. I don't want to make people run.
I've been so consumed with my heart being in the right place. 'If only I can make them see Jesus through me, then I've served my purpose.' However, I feel it is very possible that I've lost track of what exactly my purpose is. God didn't send me to earth to scare away the lost and broken souls... he sent me here to reach out and love them. I am only a vessel in the interaction between God and creation. And, sometimes... I get so consumed with being Jesus, that I forget to see him. But, I've wholeheartedly decided that I believe that you can't have one without the other. So every time I walk up those stairs and smile at that tired broken girl, hold her baby, or drive her to run errands... I'm not just showing her love, but she is showing me something as well.
It is hard for my little brain to understand how God can use the faithless to reach the faithful... but I'm sure thankful He does.
My greatest life lessons have been learned through the interaction with "non-believers" or lesser "Christians." So, without them... without God using them... I wouldn't have the life wisdom and knowledge that I do. I wouldn't really be me then, now would I?
I'm fearful of these people I see rising up. Servants that have very specific goggles on with blinders on the sides... so the only thing they can see is their mission. That frightens me. They aren't see Jesus in the hidden beauties of life, they aren't experiencing all that God has called them to.
I no longer want to live in my naive ways. I don't want to make people run.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I am a C, I am a CH, I am a CHRISTIAN
Sometimes I feel as though the word Christian gets thrown around so loosely. Sometimes I feel like people who use the word, don't even know what it means exactly. Celebrities often note, "Oh yeah, I'm a Christian," but what about their behavior examplifies Christ like actions.
For some the title is simply a security blanket... a "at-least-I-know-I'm-going-to-heaven" attitude. For others the word is a get out of jail free card... a "I-can-do-whatev-and-still-get-away-with-it" attitude. For others, though, it is like handing them the javlin of life... a "God-is-my-god-and-he-judges-everything-so-that-makes-it-okay-for-me" attitude.
For me... Christian, C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N, is intense.... it's extreme. It's hard, it's work.
For me Christian means, loving that old woman who is driving far to slow in front of you on the highway. For me, it means, offering to help that couple who has a flat tire even though their guess is as good as yours where you even start. To me, it means offering to babysit your sick Aunt who can't even feed herself.
Jesus was known to be a fool... because to people they didn't see the love he was spreading and showing when got down and "played" in the sand. To the passer-byers, they didn't understand how playing with the dirty outcasts and children made a difference in life. Jesus was a cool man... he did the things no one else would, like dying for the lives of those who didn't even like him.
Nowadays, life is about recognition. Fame, Glory, Praise, Prizes... that is what fuels people, motivates. I know numerous people who wouldn't even consider helping a stranger unless they were getting paid. And, prior to now I'd just let it roll off my back... sometimes even play it off, crack a joke or something like it was no big deal.
I'm kinda going through something though... it's telling me to speak up.
I feel like it's a phase everyone might possibly go through as a Christ follower, a phase that amounts to disappointment, upset, disgust, disconnect... sometimes even anger. I could give it a number of names... I even told someone today it was like a feeling that "You don't even love God." However... all I know is that sometimes God just stirs your soul and tells you mix things up.
I can't stand the self-centered society I'm a part of. I can't stand the emotionally fueled decisions and pity-parties galore that my peers and I exist in.
I know those are harsh words... but even Jesus called the Pharisees vipers and white-washed tombs.
I know I'm not perfect... but I'm attempting to live a more Christ like life.
For some the title is simply a security blanket... a "at-least-I-know-I'm-going-to-heaven" attitude. For others the word is a get out of jail free card... a "I-can-do-whatev-and-still-get-away-with-it" attitude. For others, though, it is like handing them the javlin of life... a "God-is-my-god-and-he-judges-everything-so-that-makes-it-okay-for-me" attitude.
For me... Christian, C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N, is intense.... it's extreme. It's hard, it's work.
For me Christian means, loving that old woman who is driving far to slow in front of you on the highway. For me, it means, offering to help that couple who has a flat tire even though their guess is as good as yours where you even start. To me, it means offering to babysit your sick Aunt who can't even feed herself.
Jesus was known to be a fool... because to people they didn't see the love he was spreading and showing when got down and "played" in the sand. To the passer-byers, they didn't understand how playing with the dirty outcasts and children made a difference in life. Jesus was a cool man... he did the things no one else would, like dying for the lives of those who didn't even like him.
Nowadays, life is about recognition. Fame, Glory, Praise, Prizes... that is what fuels people, motivates. I know numerous people who wouldn't even consider helping a stranger unless they were getting paid. And, prior to now I'd just let it roll off my back... sometimes even play it off, crack a joke or something like it was no big deal.
I'm kinda going through something though... it's telling me to speak up.
I feel like it's a phase everyone might possibly go through as a Christ follower, a phase that amounts to disappointment, upset, disgust, disconnect... sometimes even anger. I could give it a number of names... I even told someone today it was like a feeling that "You don't even love God." However... all I know is that sometimes God just stirs your soul and tells you mix things up.
I can't stand the self-centered society I'm a part of. I can't stand the emotionally fueled decisions and pity-parties galore that my peers and I exist in.
I know those are harsh words... but even Jesus called the Pharisees vipers and white-washed tombs.
I know I'm not perfect... but I'm attempting to live a more Christ like life.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Hurting... in more way than one.
Pretty much every part of everything that makes up me is in so much pain right now...
I'm sick, I'm upset, I'm broken, I'm disappointed, and I'm in desperate need of some straight up Jesus in my life.
My engine and strength are dried up... I've been running on "E"/empty for like the entire semester, and well I'm crashing. I remember one time in 10th grade my Biology teacher telling our class about how she didn't like to take care of her car. She rarely put gas in it, never changed or put oil in it... and one day it blew up while she was in it. Not like flames and explosion, but like smoke and sizzling... all because she didn't see the need in constructive habits. I feel like that car. :(
I'm not myself... I'm sure people have noticed, if they haven't then that just proves all my insecurities. I'm angry at everything... things I don't even have control over, I'm angry at them. I feel ridiculous, and I feel stupid... I knew my life was slowly spindling ridiculously out of control, but I didn't stop it. I didn't care that much? ...I guess...
Elevate has been learning about forming good habits, and how they make you who you are... they did when I was in it, they are doing it again now that I'm a leader... so why am I not listening? Why does it take me getting so overwhelmed that physically my body shuts down just so I'll stop stretching it to the max? Every year, this same time of year, God gives me a kick in the pants... this year, I think I'm going to do something about it.
I'm sick, I'm upset, I'm broken, I'm disappointed, and I'm in desperate need of some straight up Jesus in my life.
My engine and strength are dried up... I've been running on "E"/empty for like the entire semester, and well I'm crashing. I remember one time in 10th grade my Biology teacher telling our class about how she didn't like to take care of her car. She rarely put gas in it, never changed or put oil in it... and one day it blew up while she was in it. Not like flames and explosion, but like smoke and sizzling... all because she didn't see the need in constructive habits. I feel like that car. :(
I'm not myself... I'm sure people have noticed, if they haven't then that just proves all my insecurities. I'm angry at everything... things I don't even have control over, I'm angry at them. I feel ridiculous, and I feel stupid... I knew my life was slowly spindling ridiculously out of control, but I didn't stop it. I didn't care that much? ...I guess...
Elevate has been learning about forming good habits, and how they make you who you are... they did when I was in it, they are doing it again now that I'm a leader... so why am I not listening? Why does it take me getting so overwhelmed that physically my body shuts down just so I'll stop stretching it to the max? Every year, this same time of year, God gives me a kick in the pants... this year, I think I'm going to do something about it.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
A little piece of my heart..
This has nothing to do with love, and relationships... it's just something God has really put on my heart recently, or frequently.
It's about the place of selfishness, apathy, and whininess that the spirit of this generation, that I live in, dwells. These are my thoughts...
what kind of generation, the representative leaders of God, is rising up?
What kind of leaders will we be?
Will we even make the impact and difference that God attends for us?
What can we do to change?
Can we get over ourselves?
What is causing us to be this way?
I mean it's easy to say that it's the world we come from... that the media influences us to be the way we are... that they promote and endorse it. But I think that that is a cop-out. Yeah, I think that the world is now making an influence. But, I don't think they woke up one morning and decided that they needed to make this generation suck and feel like crap, and be super depressed every moment of every day. I think that they obviously noticed a trend among us, and now remind us that it is okay to feel the way we do.
So where did it come from, and what can we do?
I obviously think something needs to happen, but I also thinks it needs to happen fast. We are the future leaders of the world, and right now... we are handing the people to hell in a hand basket, to put it nicely.
It's about the place of selfishness, apathy, and whininess that the spirit of this generation, that I live in, dwells. These are my thoughts...
what kind of generation, the representative leaders of God, is rising up?
What kind of leaders will we be?
Will we even make the impact and difference that God attends for us?
What can we do to change?
Can we get over ourselves?
What is causing us to be this way?
I mean it's easy to say that it's the world we come from... that the media influences us to be the way we are... that they promote and endorse it. But I think that that is a cop-out. Yeah, I think that the world is now making an influence. But, I don't think they woke up one morning and decided that they needed to make this generation suck and feel like crap, and be super depressed every moment of every day. I think that they obviously noticed a trend among us, and now remind us that it is okay to feel the way we do.
So where did it come from, and what can we do?
I obviously think something needs to happen, but I also thinks it needs to happen fast. We are the future leaders of the world, and right now... we are handing the people to hell in a hand basket, to put it nicely.
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